Finding self-love in relationships

Q:  A couple of months ago, I met a man for whom I developed strong romantic feelings. Unfortunately, we didn’t share the same feelings for each other and he only wanted friendship, not a relationship. This situation has brought up anger, hurt, as well as rejection within me. I have also experienced possessiveness and jealousy around him. Would you be able to give me some insights and ideas about how best to approach this, and what I can do in order to heal these wounds?

A:  First, remember that any time two people come together, there is a relationship. If you buy a pack of gum at the corner store, you just had a relationship with that cashier. So you are most definitely in relationship with this individual; it’s just not romantic and/or sexual.

If you look at the plethora of feelings and issues that are activated and stimulated by this individual’s presence in your life, you will see what a gift it is. His presence in your life as a friend (when you want more) offers you a great opportunity for growth and transformation. This relationship has come to you to help you heal issues of possessiveness, jealousy, anger, hurt, projection, attachment, dependency, and co-dependency.

You cannot make someone love you. So, it is important to become detached from this relationship ever becoming romantic. There is an invitation here for you to accept the nature of the relationship as it stands, while being able to heal some of the issues you described. I would also recommend you steer your focus into gratefulness for the friendship that you share, and help that flourish without hidden agendas and perpetrations. Let it be what it is, and experience and enjoy the richness of the friendship that you share.

With regard to the anger, hurt, and rejection, you have an opportunity to turn your focus toward yourself and see in what areas of your life, and for what reasons, you are lacking in self-love. Let him be the reflection to show you where you are not loving and accepting yourself. Use this relationship as an instrument for you to become all of these areas that you are describing as negative or in lack; become the positive replacement for those.

We only magnetize exactly where we are at. If you make it about him and say, “He does not love me, he’s not returning my love,” you will eventually push him away and find someone else. And, you will magnetize the same, if not an even more intense, reflection of your lack of self-love.

We also magnetize exactly what we need in order to move through the initiations, rites of passage, and arcs of transformation that need to be dealt with at any given point in our lifetime. There are two extremes to avoid:  one is to walk away and push him out of your life; and conversely, trying to force the square peg in the round hole by doing and saying certain things to “make it work.” Both of those would be unsuccessful.

Look at the milieu of what you have before you and let it reflect to you, and bring up in you, these issues of distortion, insecurity, and inferiority. Then find the positive and constructive ways of becoming more whole in your life, within yourself. During that process, your relationship may or may not develop into something romantic. However, what will happen is that you will develop into something greater and more whole, and then be in an entirely different consciousness that is now able to magnetize more healthy and compatible relationships.